Just Some Thoughts on the Day of Truth…

I’ve been working this month at Exodus in preparation for the Day of Truth on April 20th.  For those who may not know about this event, it was established by the Alliance Defense Fund in order to counter the homosexual agenda in schools and present an alternative viewpoint from a Christian perspective.  At Exodus we’ve been focusing hard on building relationships and actually ministering rather than just simply promoting free speech.  The Day of Truth comes just a few days after the Day of Silence, a day in which students are encouraged to go throughout the day in silence, making a statement against harassment of gay-identified students.  I’ve written a couple of articles on the topic and it’s got me thinking.

I was a struggling pre-teen, battling in secrecy with homosexual attractions.  I felt so ashamed and fearful to ever admit this was a reality I lived with daily.  I kept my battle to myself, hoping no one would ever find out.  Of course, other peers made fun of me, and I was constantly reminded of my disgusting and shameful struggle through all the banter and names pitched at me.  I was actively committed to my Christian walk during my middle school years.  In fact that is one of the first times I went deeply into the Scriptures and my relationship with Christ blossomed.  He was the only one I felt I could run to.  And yet, my homosexual attractions, at least at that point in my life, were never a part of my conversations with God.  I kept that snugly hidden away, out of fear or just a desire to ignore it, I’m not quite sure.

I grew up in a rather southern Baptist church.  It wasn’t uber conservative, but some of the ideology put more emphasis on judgment and less focus on grace.  When it came to homosexuality, grace was siphoned out and judgment reigned supreme.  I remember my pastor preaching only once on homosexuality.  He quoted from Leviticus and as he did he raised his hand, with index finger pointed to the sky, veins popping out of his neck, and face red.  With a blistering tone he said: “Homosexuals are an abomination and they all go to hell.”  (OK, he really didn’t get all fired up like that.  But that’s how I preceived it all – full of hate).  I knew then I couldn’t tell anyone what I was battling with.  It was sick, disgusting, and unnatural.  So I kept it hidden, and it continued to boil and boil, until one day in high school it was released with a simple phrase, “I’m gay.”

I wonder what would have happened if Day of Truth was around when I was a struggling student.  I don’t think there is any young person struggling with same-sex attraction that rejoices in it and embraces it from the very moment they realize they are attracted to the same-sex.  It takes time for that to happen, if it does at all.  For me, it was a time of loneliness and isolation, with no one to talk to.  Conversations only with myself brought me to the realization that I was gay and I just had to embrace and celebrate it.  But would I have done so if I had heard a redemptive message from compassionate peers, instead of the sole hateful and demeaning labels constantly ringing in my ears?

I can’t really say what I would have done, but I think things may have worked out differently.  I didn’t know people were walking free from homosexuality until I was a junior in high school.  The message of hope and grace was not shared with me until after I had embraced the gay-identity – a time when I didn’t want to hear it.  Had I had friends I knew I could trust with my secrets and who poured out the message of God’s grace over the coals of judgment I had been walking on from that pivotal sermon given by my pastor, I don’t think I would have made some of the choices I did.

I was a teen desperate for love, unconditional love, one in which I could bare all my trash and not be rejected.  I was a teen desperate to hear a message of grace, compassion, and of a loving Father who knew my brokenness whether I brought it out of it’s tightly closed pocket to Him or not.  I think of all the teens struggling with homosexuality in schools today.  It’s been less than a decade since I was in middle school, but things have drastically changed.  The pro-gay rhetoric is rampant in schools.  The born-gay ideology is being preached in school halls all across America and students are not hearing the redemptive message.

I’m thinking about that 12 year old boy who is in the same place I was in ten years ago.  He’s struggling in secrecy, fearful of letting anyone in on his “sickness”.  His peers reject him, and experiencing any painful rejection from friends is just too much to bear.  So he’ll keep it hidden, drenched in loveless  judgment imposed by others, that is perceived as God’s.  I want that kid to hear from his peers on the Day of Truth that God loves him very much, and that God is with him even in his struggle with same-sex attractions.  He hasn’t abandoned him, nor will He ever.  I want peers to show him compassion and provide a welcoming place for him to be free to be himself, struggles and all.  Maybe then he won’t go down the same road I traveled.

I know what it’s like to live so many years in the shadow of a misperception that God loves everyone except me, because I dealt with homosexuality.  I know what it’s like to feel all alone and extremely afraid of anyone finding out that I was a homosexual struggler.  I know the shame that comes with all that and the constant reinforcement of disdain and repugnance towards guys simply because they acted different from the other boys.  The Day of Truth is so crucial.  I was confused in my identity back in the late 90s and sexuality wasn’t talked about nearly as much as it is now in public schools.  I can only imagine the confusion swirling around in hallways and classrooms today.  I’m thankful to be a part of a force today that can reach kids with a message of life and hope and help calm the confusing whirlwind.  Be praying for a great turnout on the Day of Truth this year!