My Testimony

This is a copy of my testimony as seen in the Exodus Impact Newsletter in August of 2008:

I grew up in a Christian home where my mother was the spiritual leader and decision maker; my dad worked most of the time and was passive and indecisive. Early on I began to view masculinity as something negative. I spent most of my childhood with my mother and saw her as the strong one in the family. At parties, all the women would say that men were dogs, and the men would just howl. I didn’t want to be a dog, so why would I want to be a man? At a pivotal point I made vow to myself in 5th grade that I would never be like my father. This vow propelled me into an identity crisis right as I was going into middle school.

In middle school, I felt so insecure and inadequate as a boy. The other boys were very intimidating to me, yet I was very attracted to them. As puberty set in so did the desires for other boys. As these attractions grew, the teasing began. I was so fearful and inadequate that I would walk around the baseball field during gym class just so I didn’t have to play sports with the other boys. My peers began to taunt me with names and threaten me. I went to school in fear everyday.

During this time I accepted Christ into my heart hoping that I could “pray the gay away” and stand through the tormenting, but it didn’t. The attractions intensified and I could not stand up to the name-calling. I used my Christianity and girlfriends to try to prove my heterosexuality, but they could see through the façade. The harassment continued on into high school. I would go to teachers and tell them about the harassment but they did nothing, which reinforced the lie I had been struggling with – I am different and no one cares.

As I questioned my identity, the names which my peers labeled me repeated over and over in my head. I allowed their words to have power over me and my identity. I knew I was attracted to other boys and everyone else knew – so was I gay? I went in search for the answer. I was too ashamed to go to my church where all I heard growing up was condemnation of homosexuals. So I went to gay chat rooms and that is where I found total acceptance and love. I finally got the male attention that I wanted and desired. I prayed to God asking if I was born this way. And all I heard was ‘yes’. So I came out to my parents and to everyone I knew. All of my Christian friends stopped associating with me except one. Because of that rejection I began to distance myself from Christians and their religion completely.

After rejecting God I went fully into the lifestyle. I was very flamboyant and wanted everyone to know that I was gay and proud of it. Their criticism, judgment, and name calling was never going to affect me again. I hardened my heart to everyone. I pursued relationship after relationship, never fully satisfied or fulfilled. I loved the attention that I received from other guys and their lustful desires for me gave me some kind of affirmation, but I was still empty inside. As I was planning to go to college, I decided to end a relationship for more opportunities to pursue other men at college. In ending that relationship God opened my eyes to the rut I was in and gave me a huge desire for Him, one which I had not had for two years. In less than an hour the Holy Spirit transformed my hard heart into a tender heart, one that was ready and willing to receive the Lord. I decided to leave the lifestyle and pursue a relationship with Him.

I began the healing journey at an Exodus ministry in Lexington, KY. The negative views of masculinity slowly faded away as I came into the manhood God was calling me to. God blessed me with truly amazing, healthy male friendships in which I was affirmed and encouraged. The guys at the Baptist Campus Ministry came along side of me and showed me the true meaning of masculinity. As they walked on the journey with me, I finally found the fulfilling and affirming love that I searched for. I began to accept myself and embrace my identity as defined by Christ. As I became more secure in who I was as a man and truly began to understand true, Godly masculinity; I began to notice women in a different way. I no longer saw them as my equal, but as my complement and I was attracted to them.

God truly has transformed my life and brought healing to my family. I have a new found respect for my father and our relationship has been restored. I now know that my journey had never been about my homosexual attractions. It was and is today about abiding in Christ and dying to myself daily for His sake. The relationships and community I found in college truly propelled me forward and brought tremendous growth. God used so many people to call forth my true self.

I am free today – not necessarily free from same-sex attraction, but free to know that my identity is not in my attraction.  My attraction no longer has control over my flesh, my thoughts, or impulses.  It does not define my identity, nor lock me in shame.  I am free because Christ has set me free in a new reality of living and abiding in him.  I am free today because Christ has set me free for Him!